The Mafia Godfather

A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper has screwed him for ten million bucks.
This bookkeeper happens to be deaf, so the Godfather brings along his lawyer, who knows sign language.
The Godfather asks the bookkeeper:
"Where is the 10 million bucks you embezzled from me?"
The lawyer, using sign language, asks the bookkeeper where the 10 million dollars is hidden.
The bookkeeper signs back:
"I don't know what you are talking about."
The lawyer tells the Godfather:
"He says he doesn't know what you're talking about."
That's when the Godfather pulls out a 9 mm pistol, puts it to the bookkeeper's temple, cocks it and says:
"Ask him again!"
The lawyer signs to the underling:
"He'll kill you for sure if you don't tell him!"
The bookkeeper signs back:
"OK! OK! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Enzo's backyard in Queens!"
The Godfather asks the lawyer:
"Well, what'd he say?"
The lawyer replies:
"He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger."

Why you never question a drunk...

A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected:
A half-gallon of 2% milk,
A carton of eggs,
A quart of orange juice,
A head of romaine lettuce,
A 2 lb. can of coffee,
And a 1 lb. package of bacon.
As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier.
While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated,
"You must be single."
The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single.
She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status.
Curiosity getting the better of her, she said
"Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?"
The drunk replied,
"Because you're ugly."

Dumb blonde

A blonde woman goes into a department store and tells the salesman she wants a pair of pink curtains.
He assures her they have a good selection of pink curtains.
He shows her many kinds of different fabrics of curtains and she finally picks out a pink floral pattern.
The salesman asks, "What size do you need?"
She says, "15 inches."
He exclaims, "15 INCHES!.......What room are they for?"
She says, "It's not for a room, it's for my computer monitor."
The surprised salesman exclaims, "Miss, computers do not need curtains."
The blonde says, "HELLooooooo.........I've got Windows!"

Amazing Limo

Money Isn't Everything

The Perfect Husband

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club.
A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker-function and begins to talk.
Everyone else in the room stops to listen.
MAN: "Hello"
WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
MAN: "Yes"
WOMAN: "I'm at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"
MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."
WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2005 models. I saw one I really liked."
MAN: "How much?"
WOMAN: "$60,000"
MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."
WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing.... The house we wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $950,000."
MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer, but just offer $900,000."
WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you!"
MAN: "Bye, I love you, too."
The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room look at him in astonishment.
Then he asks: "Anyone know who this phone belongs to?"

The effects of alcohol.

This is worth reading

Cool illusion

I find this illusion very impressive

Mischa Barton

I thought this girl was supposed to be the next Carrie Bradshaw? Isn't see meant to be wearing clothes other people would want to wear. You would imagine that someone with her money could afford a little taste, and look at the size of her hips! Shouldn't she be trying to cover them up rather than draw your attention to them?

Fun Photo

Don't hate me for thinking this is cute.

Bad Day

My bad days don't seem quite so bad anymore.

Blonde joke

An Irishman, a Mexican and a Blonde Guy were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building.

They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I'm going to jump off this building."
The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too."
The blonde opened his lunch and said, Bologna again! If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too."

The next day, the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage, and jumped to his death.
The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito, and jumped, too.
The blonde guy opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his death as well.

At the funeral, the Irishman's wife was weeping. She said, "If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!"

The Mexican's wife also wept and said, "I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realise he hated burritos so much."

Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife. The blonde's wife said, "Don't look at me. He made his own lunch.

Teddy Bears

A woman meets a gorgeous man in a bar. They talk, they connect, and they end up leaving together.They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment, she notices that his bedroom is completely packed with sweet cuddly teddy bears.

Hundreds of cute small bears on a shelf all the way along the floor, cuddly medium-sized ones on a shelf a little higher, and huge enormous bears on the top shelf along the wall.

The woman is surprised that this guy would have a collection of teddy bears, especially one that's so extensive, but she decides not to mention this to him, and actually is quite impressed by his sensitive side.

She turns to him... they kiss... and then they rip each other's clothes off and make hot steamy love.

After an intense night of passion with this sensitive guy, they are lying there together in the afterglow, the woman rolls over and asks, smiling, "Well, how was it?"

The guy says: "Help yourself to any prize from the bottom shelf."

READ THE TEXT FIRST

Yesterday a mate was having some work done at the Ford dealer.
A woman came in and asked for a seven-hundred-ten.
They all looked at each other, and the mechanic asked, "What is a seven-hundred-ten?"
She replied, "You know, the little piece in the middle of the engine. I lost it and need a new one. It had always been there." The mechanic gave the woman a piece of paper and a pen and asked her to draw what the piece looked like.
She drew a circle and in the middle of it wrote 710.
He then took her over to another car which had the bonnet up and asked, "Is there a 710 on this car?”
She pointed and said, "Of course, it’s right there."

Water on Mars!

Scientists at NASA have finally taken a picture of water on Mars!

Wesley Snipes

Yummy!

Joke

The FBI had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks,interviews, and testing were done there were 3 finalists. Two men and a woman.
For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.
"We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances. Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill Her!"
The man said, "You can't be serious, I could never shoot my wife."
The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home."
The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room.
All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes,
"I tried, but I can't kill my wife."
The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."
Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow.
"This gun is loaded with blanks" she said. "I had to beat him to death with the chair."

Marilyn Monroe

I was looking through My Pictures folder and came across this. I couldn't help myself, I just had to post it. One of Marilyn Monroe's most famous photos and what makes it so sexy is that she isn't wearing a tiny pair of pants. She was so beautiful and feminine which is something most celebrities lack.

Cool optical illusion

I've decided to start posting jokes and pictures because people are always sending me this stuff and it's really hard to find sites with material to send back to them. Here you go...

Debate

I am really looking forward to the debate tonight, although I have to wait until 2 am to see it. I’m surprised the BBC is showing it at all. Naturally, George Bush is going to wipe the floor with that idiot Kerry and because the media over here seem to love Mr Flip Flop so much I’m surprised we’re getting any cover of it.

I have only just recently realised how interesting politics can be. If it wasn’t for my beloved better half being obsessed with everything that’s going on in the world, I would know absolutely zilch.

Go to Cryptic Subterranean and see for yourself.